Marge Whitley for Governor

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On Wednesday, former Internet Entrepreneur Marge Whitley announced her candidacy for Governor of California, entering herself into a controversial gubernatorial race already crowded with countless fraudsters and charlatans seeking their place on the 2011 election ballot.

According to the official press release, Marge Whitley's background as an Internet Entrepreneur is "more than sufficient" experience for politics and makes her fully capable of running the nation's most populous state.

"I have years of experience in the dynamic world of E-Commerce and Internet Entrepreneurialism," Marge Whitley said. "Running a business, especially an internet business, is just like running the state of California. Actually, I would say I'm overqualified to be governor."

As the CEO of JUNK-SWAPPING.COM, Marge Whitley turned one of the most successful internet commerce websites into a financial disaster, costing the business billions of dollars in revenue as her "Slash and Burn" management strategy spun out of control. After laying off thousands of employees and alienating millions of customers, Whitley says her "Scorched Earth" policy is exactly what California needs in this time of economic crisis.

"California is just like an E-Business -- our success is all about traffic. In order to succeed, we need to encourage the 'good' traffic like small businesses and jobs to come back to California, while we keep the 'bad' traffic like resource-depleting illegal immigrants out of California. That is my plan for the future of the state," Whitley said.

Marge Whitley's controversial remarks on a variety of issues have generated additional notoriety as she remains the only candidate to demand "lesbians and liberals" stay away from the voting booths on election day. Being a social pariah is how she gets things done, Whitley said.

"I am unabashedly Pro-Life, Pro-Marriage, Pro-Gun, and most importantly, Pro-Business. Unlike other candidates, I don't believe in courting the fringe-voters and fence-sitters. My base is firmly planted in the ultra-Conservative right-wing politics of the Tea Party. No one can accuse me of flip-flopping ... I've always voted far-right," Whitley said.

However, Marge Whitley's voting record cannot be called into question by other candidates as Whitley has refused to vote in any election for nearly three decades. Women should not exercise their rights, such as their right to vote, if deemed an unnecessary nuisance by their husbands, Whitley said.

"Women need to respect the voting process and let their husbands do all the voting. It's too difficult for women to vote, especially when your only choices are bleeding-heart liberals and homosexuals. That's why I didn't vote during all those years I lived in California," Whitley said.

Although claiming to live in California for decades, information uncovered by various news organizations indicates Marge Whitley lived in other states for the majority of her life and knows very little about the challenges facing the socially and economically diverse state of California.

Other candidates have challenged Whitley's stance on everything from the environment to marriage and immigration, often finding inconsistencies in the vague and distorted message promoted by Whitley's self-funded campaign. After spending untold millions of dollars of her own money on vicious media advertisements known as "attack ads", Whitley's campaign has only succeeded in confusing voters and candidates alike.

"Marge Whitley will say anything to get elected, because it's just a silly contest for her own entertainment," said opponent Bill Jefferson. "She will slither between the issues and continue to use ambiguous language to downplay her ignorance and lack of experience in politics. I think she's a vindictive bottom-feeder desperately seeking a 'promotion' to governor despite being utterly unqualified, only to satiate her egomaniacal obsession with power and control."

Meanwhile, conservative voters are left questioning the truthfulness behind Whitley's attack ads, as her stance on several issues has evolved over the course of the campaign, something conservatives reject in all shapes and forms. Republican voter Clyde Cruthers Jr. says changing her stance is a fatal mistake this far into the campaign.

"I was happy to learn Marge Whitley hated Mexicans," said Clyde. "I was definitely going to vote for her when she said she would build an electric fence with machine-gun turrets along the Mexican border. But now she softened her immigration stance to deportation only -- who knows what other issues she'll flip-flop on just to appeal to centrists. I doubt she still advocates punishing abortioners and homosexuals with castration, like she did earlier in her campaign," Clyde said.

Whitley's remarks on the environment have also been criticized by conservatives and liberals for being too cryptic this late in the election season. Conservatives said her calls to repeal environmental protection laws are simply not enough to stimulate the economy, while liberals said allowing industries to destroy the environment without any government oversight is a reckless tactic with only short-term advantages for company executives hoping to profit from her anti-environment pro-business plan for governing a state in economic crisis.

"If I learned anything from the internet, I know for a fact global warming is a myth," Whitley said. "Therefore, it is our responsibility to exploit California's environment for all its available resources. No forest will be left uncut. No oil will be left undrilled. No sea will be left undumped. We will extract every last ounce of resources mother nature has to offer and I will stop at nothing to create jobs for Californians," Whitley said.

Detractors have questioned the mental stability of a candidate known for violent outbursts and physically assaulting employees, while mental health experts said aggressive, confrontational behavior resulting in battery is a telltale sign of untreated mental illness.

"Sure, I've stepped on a few toes," Whitley said. "If anyone gets in my way, I'll change their minds the old-fashioned way: with my fists. California is suffering an economic crisis because of the effeminate leadership in Sacramento who are unwilling to throw down and go to battle at a moment's notice. I'll fix Sacramento by shoving it in the right direction. I'll put the unemployed back to work by sticking a giant Republican foot up their asses. That's how I bring people together," Whitley said.

Election observers said Marge Whitley's candidacy is not a surprise as California has an embarrassing history of allowing absolutely anyone to run for governor, no matter how bizarre or unqualified they may be. Marge Whitley joins a long list of candidates including porn stars, failed actors and bodybuilders who tried their luck in the gubernatorial gamble.

"Marge Whitley is unbelievably naive and shockingly unqualified," said Dr. Candi Capezolli, Professor of Political Science at Melon University. "She's a ruthless business shark with a sordid history of aggressively attacking anything standing in the way of profit. Her strategies have always backfired and numerous financial scandals plagued her career in business. Marge Whitley will drive California into the ground ... and honestly, at this point, that's not going to be difficult to do," Dr. Capezolli said.


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