A new and exciting career in UFOlogy

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Alien_head.jpg"I spent the past 22 years as a proctologist, but I find this line of work much more rewarding," said Dr. Herbie Lipschitz, recent graduate of Brumville College of UFOlogy. "I was fed up with my crappy job and wanted to try my hand in something different and exciting, something out of this world. That's when I decided to enroll in Brumville College. After just 14 months of night classes, I was launched into my new career as a certified UFOlogist."

Like many working-class Americans, Dr. Lipschitz found himself working a dead-end job with little hope of ever achieving his American dream. After struggling for several years, the recent worldwide economic catastrophe put the final nail in the coffin of his failing private practice.

"Business was slow. With a tough economy and strained finances, most patients consider a visit to the proctologist to be a luxury reserved only for the rich and famous. I had a family to support, a mortgage to be paid, and the bills were starting to pile up. I knew there was money to be made out there, but I didn't know where. That's when I made an appointment with the career conselors at Brumville College."

Using state-of-the-art job-matching software engineered by some of the most respected psychics in the field, Career Specialists at Brumville College are able to find the perfect line of work for each and every student. After paying tuition in full, students are able to pursue a wide range of courses and receive fully-accredited certificates with respectable credentials, like a Doctorate in Alien Telepathy, a Ph.D. in Abduction Memory Retrieval Hypnosis, or any number of "fast-track" diplomas like a Bachelor of Intergalactic Technologies or a Master of Extraterrestrial Communications.

"Spice is the variety of life, and every day is something different. On Monday, I'll be investigating a possible UFO crash site behind Johnny Q's Liquor Store. On Tuesday, I'll be reviewing recently discovered photographs of alien encounters left behind in room 39 at the Sleepy Pines Motel. Wednesday, I'll be at Shady Oaks Trailer Park to examine an alleged victim of ARI (alien rectal invasion). My previous job experience will definitely come in handy," said Dr. Lipschitz.

Brumville College of UFOlogy also offers a free career guidance packet with extensive salary information for all prospective students. On average, graduates make between $11,295 and $13,252 per year, with statistics indicating massive job growth in the "specialized services" industry over the next 20 years.

"One in five Americans believe aliens have visited Earth, and that statistic is actually much higher in rural, undeveloped areas. In fact, almost one-third of Americans in the Bible Belt claim to have experienced some form of anal violation by unknown creatures of the the night," said Dr. Lipschitz. "We still don't fully understand why, but apparently aliens have travelled millions of light-years to invade the anuses of Evangelical Christians living in economically depressed regions of the south and midwest. My research will some day uncover the secrets behind their diabolical plan."

"Indeed, business is booming," said Professor Xavier Zargo, assistant dean of Brumville College and bestselling author of award-winning books like Alien Internal: The Threat from Within, and Abduct My Heart: An Alien Love Story. "With so many people out of work, UFO sightings are a regular occurrence. Alien abductions are on the rise. Probings have increased tenfold. Obviously, aliens have taken advantage of the stagnant economy and high unemployment to escalate their invasion of planet earth. For UFOlogists, there will never be a shortage of work to do."

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