New Banking Fees Explained


"Sure, we are more than happy to hold on to your money for you," said Larry Dieb, senior financial services analyst at Bank of Americant, "but if you ever want to use it, it's going to cost you ... boy, is it going to cost you!"

As the nation's largest banking institutions begin rolling out new debit card fees, millions of consumers wonder how it is possible for banks to start charging yet another inexplicable "convenience fee" for a service that was once universally free of charge.

"It feels like a visit to the proctologist every time I swipe my debit card," said Thomas Clochard, an unemployed landscape architect. "And without health insurance, my next colonoscopy is going to be prohibitively expensive. I'll bend over once for the doctor, and then again for my bank. Profiting from sickness and poverty is the American Way."

According to banking experts, charging consumers an additional fee is absolutely necessary in order to maintain the record profits of the top five largest banks. Forcing ninety-nine percent of consumers to pay debit fees for spending their own money is the only way to keep the nation's top one percent above the poverty line. In fact, many banking industry CEOs have already considered applying for government assistance to compensate for the inevitable consumer backlash.

"It's been tough, these past few years, just to make ends meet," said Derrick Voleur, CEO of Scamerica Bank and Trust. "I'm not even sure my yacht will have a place to sleep tonight. I personally blame the current socialist regime for the problems in the financial industry. That socialist in the white house is trying to punish the banks, and as every American knows, bankers don't take threats lightly -- the American people will end up suffering dearly."

After billions of dollars from the last government bailout of the banking industry were given away in the form of bonuses to banking executives, many financial analysts believe the industry is still unstable and ready for another collapse. Debit card fees may be the first in a series of charges passed on to consumers, with ATM "cash dispersal" fees set to roll out next year. A new "pay per check" fee of $1 for writing a check is currently in a testing phase in several markets.

"We're in the business of making money from money," explains Sean Tricheur, Vice President of Chaste Bank. "We provide financial services and charge reasonable fees for electronically transferring numbers from one computer to another. I don't know exactly what those fees are -- I haven't used a debit card myself in years -- but I'm sure our customers will understand it's simply the cost of doing business. We're not a charity and never claimed to be. If you expect a free handout, build yourself your own bank and get one from the government."

Some opportunistic local banks have taken advantage of the new debit card fees to lure clientele away from the mega-corporations and into smaller, family-owned establishments. Offering little or no fees for services is an attractive feature some consumers demand when shopping for a new bank.

"We will never charge a fee for debit cards," said Pastor Freddie Snyder, President of First Christian Bank in Armadillo Springs, Arkansas. "Charging a fee for debit cards ain't right. It's just not the Christian thing to do. We offer free banking services to all good Christians and anyone willing to accept Jesus Christ as his lord and financial savior."

Other consumers turned off by the banking industry fiasco have come up with their own plans for beating the debit card fees. Billy Bunter, an unemployed bricklayer in Cleveland, is already making progress toward his goal of avoiding the new banking fees. Despite facing foreclosure from his bank, Billy remains cautiously optimistic.

"I'm sick and tired of dealing with my bullshit bank," Billy said. "So, I dug a giant hole in my backyard, and when I finally find another job and start making money again, I'm going to put all my earnings in that hole and call it 'Billy's Bank'. No fees whatsoever! But, if everything doesn't work out, worst case scenario, I'll just bury myself in that hole and call it a day. The epitaph should read, 'My bank stole my American Dream' ..."

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