2012 Presidential Contender

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     "I'm conservatively liberal, and liberally conservative, whatever the case may be," said Rott Mimney, former state politician and future Republican presidential candidate. "As they say, I like to swing both ways. I'll do anything to convince the ignorant, poverty-stricken voters of America that I'm the best man, or woman, for the job of White House CEO."

With the field of presidential candidates dwindling, Rott Mimney is likely to seize the GOP nomination despite considerable controversy from all sides of his supposedly conservative base. However, as a former businessman with plenty of experience appeasing shareholders, Mimney is willing to sacrifice virtually everything in order to maintain his newly conservative image for the upcoming election.

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"Don't believe my opponents. I'm a hardcore conservative fothermucker. I don't have a liberal bone in my body. I hate hippies, socialists and the homeless. Poor people can go to hell. Environment? If it gets in the way of business, I say screw it. Nothing is going to stop the flow of commerce, not even mother nature. I'll drill through a pack of reindeer if there's an ounce of oil in the ground beneath them," said Mimney to the Disassociated Press.

Conservatives wary of Mimney's stance on social issues have questioned his religious background, calling for a more concrete affirmation of his devotion to the right-wing obsession with bigotry, misogyny and fear-mongering.

"When I'm elected president, Christianity in America will be safe once again," Mimney said. "The current administration's war against religion will finally come to an end and their masturbatory treachery will be washed away by the baptismal waters of our new American theocracy. Every citizen will be required by law to wear magical Mormon socks ... the same magical socks worn by the Archangel Spumoni."

"Faith is not an option," Mimney explained. "Faith is the foundation of our economy. How else do you explain the 200 years of deception? For centuries now, poor people have believed the delusion that one day they'll be wealthy. Ha ha ha, now that's what I call faith!"

The stagnant economy has also challenged candidates to introduce a reasonable plan for job-creation and financial recovery. While many in the Republican party have praised his business-friendly, take-no-prisoners approach to economic stimulation, some have raised considerable doubts about the integrity of a candidate with enormous personal wealth.

"I believe in America. The Swiss bankers who hold my money believe in America," Mimney said. "This is a strong, prosperous nation with millions of hard-working taxpayers surviving the American Dream. I personally want to thank all the little people for shouldering the tax burden of us One Percenters. Really, you guys are great, thanks a million. And don't forget to vote for me, Rott Mimney, because I'm just a regular guy like you."


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