Top 5 New Year's Resolutions of 2013

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As the wonderfully productive year of 2012 comes to a close, and yet another apocalypse is narrowly averted, it seems everyone has started compiling their personal list of New Year's Resolutions for 2013 ... otherwise known as the year of the three-legged pink unicorn.

Below you'll find our favorite Top 5 reader submissions:

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Number 1 - Lose Weight

"After my seventh child, I could never seem to lose that last five or ten pounds of baby-flub," said Bertha-Jean du Bois, from her hospital bed in Des Moines, Iowa. "Every new year, I promised myself I'd burn off that extra fat, even if it killed me. You see, it's always been my dream to get back down to 350 lbs. and fit into my prom dress again, so when I heard about live organ donations, I knew god had finally answered my prayers."

A liver, kidney, gallbladder or uterus can fetch as much as $75 on the black market, with the added benefit of helping charitable donors lose that extra five to ten pounds which diet and exercise have been unable to diminish.

"I tried all the fad diets, the yo-yo diets, the Cheetos and Mountain Dew diets. Not one of them made me lose any weight," Bertha-Jean said. "But, now, with my spleen removed, I'm getting a helluva lot closer to achieving my weight loss goals. If I survive this surgery, I'm planning on getting my colon and duodenum removed. By summertime, I'll be so fit and trim you won't be able to keep your eyes off of me. Skinny is the new fat."

Number 2 - Save Money

"I've always been a bit of a penny-pincher," said Clarence McCarthy, unemployed hedge fund manager from New York. "This year, I plan to save as much money as I can and cut out all those extraneous expenses. Silly little expenses like my fourth home and my third yacht. If Mitt Romney taught me anything, he taught me the value of the intangible dollar, tied up in oversees bank accounts."

One of the most popular endeavors for bankers and bums alike, saving money as a new year's resolution traces its heritage back to the original founding fathers. Thomas Jefferson was known to hoard vast sums of money which he later used to purchase discounted slaves from wholesalers looking to clear out the previous year's inventory. Some cunning linguists suggest the term "slashing prices" has its origins here.

"This year, I'll sell my second red Ferrari and downsize to something more economical, more practical, like a Rolls-Royce," McCarthy said. "With this unconstitutional tax hike on billionaires, I can't afford to throw my money around willy-nilly. A few percent more in taxes and I might end up in the poor house, or even worse, working at a job that actually reports my income to the government."

Number 3 - Exercise More

"I plan to burn up to five hundred calories an hour practicing my new routine," said Destiny Diamonds, self-described 'health nut' and adult-entertainment website entrepreneur. "With improved flexibility and endurance, I can perform live on my webcam for hours on end, and charge my customers a premium for my trademark over-the-top, tantalizing erotic show."

Medical experts agree, sexual activity provides not only a decent cardiovascular workout, but can also improve strength and vitality where it matters most. Doctors suggest thirty minutes of sexual activity involving two or more individuals is the equivalent of sixty minutes of jogging, while fifteen minutes of self-inflicted stimulation equals over an hour of vigorous squat thrusts.

"In 2013, I promise I'm going to take every opportunity to work some extra exercise into my daily routine," Diamonds said. "A few Kegels here, a few pelvic gyrations there, and I know I'll be on my way to living a happier, healthier, more erotic lifestyle."

Number 4 - Get Married

"2013 is the year I'm going to finally pop the question," said Kyle Casanovian, automobile detailer from Trenton, New Jersey. "My special lady has been waiting for a ring for several years now ... the nipple rings, belly-button rings and clitoral rings just won't cut it any more. I need to finally do the right thing by her and make it official."

With marriages on the rise, 2013 is said to be the luckiest year of the 21st century by six out of 10 psychics and tarot-card readers. In fact, getting married this year is likely to result in the acquisition of untold fortunes, including a mysterious gift from a distant relative, as well as the production of healthy, talented offspring who will go on to achieve wonderful things in life.

"I'm done playing the game," Kyle said. "The ladies down at the club won't miss me much. This year, I'm finally committed to settling down into a caring, loving relationship with the woman of my dreams. My pal Joey is planning the most kick-ass bachelor party of all time. We'll be cruising down to Atlantic City, having some drinks, having some fun ... there won't be a tranny hooker left unscathed."

Number 5 - Fix that gun problem

"Guns don't kill people," said Dwayne Le Pygmee, from an undisclosed location. "People kill people. There just happens to be a gun between them, with bullets being transferred from gunner to gunnee. Don't blame the gun - it's not her fault - she's just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

As the United States prepares for another year of inevitable gun violence to take its deadly toll, many "patriotic" Americans persist in standing by their archaic rhetoric to explain their irrational obsession with owning vast quantities of devices which serve no purpose other than to kill.

"It's my right, as an American, to own the most deadly handheld weapons in the world, and lots of them too," Le Pygmee said. "I've got thousands of rounds of ammunition and I'm fully capable of dispensing those babies at several dozen per second. You know, for hunting and household protection and stuff."

"Guns ain't the problem. It's them video games. And movies. They are the ones responsible for turning people into psychopaths. Hell, any nutcase can walk into Walmart and buy them!" said Le Pygmee.

"Trying to regulate guns in America is the worst idea since the prohibition of slavery. It's worse than the civil rights movement. Taking guns out of American's greasy fat hands will lead to anarchy. How are people supposed to live? And more importantly, how are people supposed to protect themselves. Look at all those lawless countries in western Europe - those heathens live in constant fear because they don't have enough guns laying around. Guns make things safer. The bad guy has a gun, so the good guy needs ten guns. Makes sense. Just watch out for the crossfire, and don't forget to duck," Le Pygmee said.


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