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2010, August 12 -- By Alastair Thackery


"Socialism" has become the number one fear of most Americans, with "death" slipping to second place, according to the results of a recent survey by FE Research Group.

"This is not a condemnation of socialism, but merely a product of American jingoism infiltrating the minds of the disgruntled masses," said Dr. Kirby Raskolnikov, professor of political science at Smetana University College. "The majority of Americans still confuse xenophobia with patriotism -- they allow the irrational fear of foreign governments to dictate their political views."

In the survey, Americans were asked to list their top ten fears and then indicate whether or not they believed each fear influenced their voting record. Over two-thirds of those surveyed said fear of socialism was a determining factor in voting for local and state politicians sponsored by the Tea Party Movement, while nearly half of respondents said socialism was the political affiliation shared by Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin and Barack Obama. Another twenty percent indicated Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden were also socialists.

"As the economic crisis worsens, many Americans are scared and the right-wing political machine has taken advantage of their fear and named it 'socialism'," said Vlad Lennon, political commentator and author of the bestselling book Poor White Cash: The 21st-Century Credit Crisis. "At this junction, I doubt most disaffected Americans know anything about socialism or government in general. For them, taxes are synonymous with communism. Apparently, they expect governments to function without taxing citizens, yet somehow provide safety, security, finance wars, and maintain everything from public schools to the basic infrastructure of the nation."

Following "death" as the second most common fear, "evolution taught in public schools" was third on the list of top ten fears. In fourth place, "free healthcare" was another new addition to the list, adding to the growing dissatisfaction of many Americans who fear the ramifications of providing medicine to the poor, sick and dying.

"A substantial number of Americans are completely against any attempts to provide free or low-cost healthcare to the poor," said Dr. Deepak Chowdry, who runs a free clinic for the homeless, recently evicted, and soon-to-be foreclosed. "I don't understand why so many Americans want the poor to die from treatable illnesses. Access to healthcare is not socialism: it is a human right."

"Favorite sports team loses championship" and "gasoline prices" held the fifth and sixth places on the list, respectively. In seventh place, "repealing gun rights" maintained its usual place on the list as one of the most common fears of Americans, while the fear of "legalizing abortion" slipped to eighth place.

"Well, with that fuzzy math, it might seem like Americans are more concerned about losing their guns than their unborn babies," said Buck Broman, Tea Party activist from Texas. "But we here in the Tea Party see the issues as one in the same: we need them guns to protect our daughters from those abortioners."

In ninth place, fear of the "de-Christianization" of American society revealed the concerns of many respondents who felt embattled in a nation losing its faith. Forty percent of those surveyed also said removing "god" from the US currency would be considered a hostile act worthy of civil war, while another thirty percent said refusing to recite "one nation under god" is an act of treason that deserves to be punished.

Finally, the tenth most common fear of Americans, "big words", was not a surprise to high-school English teacher Kevin Krikorian. "Literacy in the US is at an all-time low," Krikorian said. "Most of my students do not know the difference between a 'socialite' and a 'socialist'. Some of them actually think Paris Hilton has a political affiliation."

The Top Ten Fears of Americans, 2010:

1. Socialism
2. Death
3. Evolution Taught In Public Schools
4. Free Healthcare
5. Favorite Sports Team Loses Championship
6. Gasoline Prices
7. Loss of "gun rights"
8. Legalization of Abortion
9. de-Christianization of Society
10. Big Words


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Tea Party Glossary

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ABORTION: A crime against Christianity, punishable by death in the form of vigilante justice sponsored by the Tea Party.

ACLU: A terrorist organization.

BARACK OBAMA: 1. An illegal immigrant. 2. A terrorist. 3. The anti-christ.

BUSHISM: A fair, balanced, compassionate remark from "the gut".

CNN: The official propaganda machine of the liberal conspiracy, otherwise known as the "Communist News Network".

COMMUNISM: A word used by the Tea Party to describe any form of humanism, also used to describe government programs to help the poor.

COMMUNIST: 1. A person who refuses to profit from poverty and oppression. 2. A person who thinks before reacting. 3. An enemy of the Tea Party.

CONSTITUTIONALITY: The belief of the Tea Party that all laws must be specifically referenced in the US Constitution, and any law not originally included in the 18th-century document should be struck down. Note: Tea Party supporters choose to selectively accept or reject constitutional amendments, such as the Second Amendment (right to bear arms) and the Sixteenth Amendment (income tax).

DOWN SYNDROME: 1. A gift from god for avoiding the sin of abortion. 2. Part of god's plan for women who become pregnant over the age of 40.

ECONOMY: A fragile, unpredictable entity which may only be supported with tax cuts for the wealthy and the paranormal phenomenon known as "job creation".

ECONOMIC CRISIS: 1. The fault of the Democratic Party. 2. Punishment from god. 3. The unforeseeable, impossible event that has never occurred prior to the 21st century.

ENVIRONMENT: The disposable creation of god, designed to be exploited for its resources.

ENVIRONMENTALIST: An enemy of capitalism, patriotism and the American way.

ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTER: The unavoidable cost of doing business.

EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANITY: The religion of the Tea Party, which will eventually be reinstated as the official religion of the United States.

FAIR TAXATION: The belief that a universal tax-rate is considered "fair" taxation for all Americans. Tea Party supporters insist everyone from billionaires to people living below the poverty line should pay the same flat tax-rate. Note: some Tea Party supporters claim taxation in any form is a violation of the constitution and therefore refuse to pay income tax.

FOUNDING FATHERS: A group of Christian Fundamentalists inspired by god to create the United States.

FOX NEWS: The official marketing and public relations department of the Tea Party.

GAY MARRIAGE: An act of vengeance against heterosexual Christians.

GUN RIGHTS: The right to compensate for underdeveloped genitalia.

HEALTH CARE: 1. A for-profit industry dominated by pharmaceutical conglomerates. 2. An unnecessary luxury, inaccessible to the poor.

HEALTH CARE LEGISLATION: 1. A socialist welfare program intended to bankrupt the United States. 2. A liberal attack against conservative values (e.g. allowing the poor to die prematurely from treatable illnesses).

HIV/AIDS: A punishment from god for engaging in sin. As with abortion, the Tea Party demands the health care industry restrict or deny treatment for any person who violates the ideology of right-wing Christian conservatives.

LIBERAL: 1. A person who does not own guns or regularly attend a Christian church. 2. A coward, traitor, usually guilty of treason. 3. A person who chooses to believe the lies of science.

MULTICULTURALISM: A dangerous left-wing government policy intended to destroy civilization.

MURDER: A word used by the Tea Party to describe all forms of abortion, also the act of removing life support from brain-dead patients.

PATRIOTISM: An obsessive personality trait required of all Tea Party members, indistinguishable from jingoism.

RELOAD, DON'T RETREAT: 1. A euphemism used by Sarah Palin for overthrowing the federal government (e.g. a coup d'etat). 2. A call for violence against the Obama administration and its supporters.

RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS: The rallying cry of the Tea Party.

RIGHT TO BARE ARMS: The most common protest sign at Tea Party rallies.

RON PAUL: A senile prophet of the Tea Party.

SARAH PALIN: The patron saint of the Tea Party.

SOCIALISM: 1. Any criticism of unrestricted capitalism. 2. An evil, satanic regime. 3. The propaganda of the Democratic Party.

SOCIALIST: 1. A person who helps the poor. 2. A person who demands a basic standard of living. 3. A person who dislikes wealth acquired by exploiting the poor. 4. A person who respects human rights.

STATE'S RIGHTS: A Tea Party euphemism for rejecting the authority of the federal government, especially in circumstances when states enact racist, discriminatory immigration laws (e.g. Arizona Senate Bill 1070). Tea Party supporters also use "state's rights" as a justification for enforcing conservative Christian dogma, such as attempts to repeal Roe v. Wade and limit access to abortion. The "state's rights" defense may also be used to deny the separation of church and state, such as placing biblical texts in public buildings and the forced prayer sessions held by city and state officials.

TEA PARTY MOVEMENT: A racist, right-wing political movement of the early 21st century, attacking everything from human rights to common sense. The Tea Party movement recruits poor, uneducated Americans with reactionary tendencies and irrational beliefs suffering from paranoia and other forms of undiagnosed mental illness. The Tea Party's tactics involve spreading fear and hatred with racist conspiracy theories that appeal to disaffected Americans struggling to survive the economic crisis.

TERRORIST: 1. Any person of vaguely middle-eastern appearance. 2. Any person who criticizes the United States, the Republican Party, the Tea Party, Christianity, or the actions of the Bush administration.

WAR: The action of acquiring natural resources by the will of god.

WHITE POWER: A fringe group of patriotic Americans closely related to the Tea Party. The predecessor of the Tea Party movement.


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04 July, 2010 -- By Alastair Thackery

Express your nationalistic pride this Independence Day! The following is a list of festivities available to all American Citizens (proper legal documentation and proof of citizenship may be required to attend).

What could be more American than Hardcore Porn? Join thousands of deviant fans attending the world's biggest, nastiest festival celebrating America's filthiest pastime. Get up close and personal with your favorite porn stars and watch the real fireworks explode right in your face! Indulge yourself in Spunky's famous sloppy clambake and stick around for an evening of kinky fun and games with free "pony" rides all night long.

ALL-AMERICAN CHRISTIAN CARNIVAL, sponsored by Arizona's Border Militia
Bring the whole family and celebrate American Independence with good, clean Christian fun. We offer plenty of your favorite carnival games for the kids like Dunk the Mexican and Whack-A-Black. All carnival proceeds directly fund Arizona's Border Militia, who fight to keep Arizona safe from ethnic contamination by defending our border with deadly force.

Master pyrotechnics expert Stumpy Collins has put together the most entertaining display of explosive power since Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Your ears will bleed, your knees will shake, your spine will snap as each concussive blast penetrates your soul and reduces it to a steaming pile of rubble. Stumpy's earth-shattering fireworks show will leave you shell-shocked -- it's a blast! People with heart conditions, pregnant women, children, small animals and those suffering from PTSD should not stand within 500 feet of "ground zero".

Celebrate the Second Amendment this Fourth of July by attending Ebner County's largest gun show. We offer everything from the latest fully automatic "hunting" rifles to the classic concealed weapons that won the west from the savages. Buy, sell, or trade your firearms with other proud Americans who share the same belief that guns are the answer to all life's problems. Sponsored by the National Rifle Association and Tea Party America. All ticket holders will receive a free "Don't Retreat ... Reload!" T-Shirt and collectible "Go Back to Kenya" baseball cap.

Show your support for the millions of Americans suffering from this contagious disease. Our annual Fourth of July Parade will include a powered wheelchair squadron performing various death-defying formations along the parade route. Last year's prize-winning dish, Deep-fried Chocolate-covered Turducken, will be served at concession stands and other favorites like Butter-on-a-Stick and Fried Bacon-Wrapped Sausage will also be available. Children attending the parade will receive a free case of soda provided by the High-Fructose Corn Syrup Manufacturers of America. To avoid a repeat of last year's tragedy, the parade route will be shortened to one city block and teams of paramedics will be standing by.

Every American deserves freedom, and that's why we've organized this pro-life, anti-abortion rally in the heart of God's country for the Christian holiday otherwise known as Independence Day. We won't let those baby-killing abortion doctors deprive another unborn Christian of the chance to experience life, liberty and the pursuit of a penis. Like the founding fathers of this nation, pro-life supporters are fighting for the independence of every American, including the unborn patriots who suffer the humiliation of being treated as second-class citizens. Come join us on the 4th of July. Note: Fireworks will be the only explosive devices officially distributed at the rally.

Remember those brave men and women who died defending American freedom in Iraq and Afghanistan. Your independence is safe thanks to the heroes of the United States military, who courageously invaded those sovereign nations and successfully toppled their satanic regimes. Let us pray and give thanks to our lord and savior Jesus Christ, on this holy day, the Fourth of July, 2010. Free barbecue after vigil, but please BYOB (bring your own beer). Professional fireworks show choreographed with a special soundtrack including excerpts from "The Bombing of Baghdad" and "The Rape of Kabul".

Join others with the mutual understanding that there's nothing to celebrate on the Fourth of July, or any other day of the year, by attending the non-party at The Nihilist Club, Seattle's premiere night spot for people who just don't care. Passively show your resistance by refusing to acknowledge the homicidal Independence Day festivities exploding around you. Turn this holiday into just another day of nothingness!

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Dihydrogen Monoxide

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Guest blogger Dr. Julia Felcher, Intelligent Design researcher with New Life Christian Ministries contributes the following article ...

Dihydrogen Monoxide: A Deadly Poison

Every year, millions of people are exposed to the chemical dihydrogen monoxide, a dangerous substance which is mostly unknown to the general population. The following is a list of facts about Dihydrogen Monoxide:


- Dihydrogen monoxide is used as an industrial solvent and coolant in nuclear power plants.

- Dihydrogen monoxide is a corrosive substance and the primary chemical found in "acid rain".

- Dihydrogen monoxide is used in the manufacturing of styrofoam.

- Dihydrogen monoxide reacts with heat and can cause severe burns.

- Dihydrogen monoxide contributes to the greenhouse effect and destroys the environment with soil erosion. Fragile ecosystems are often contaminated with this chemical.

- Dihydrogen monoxide is a chemical used in pesticides. Unfortunately, the chemical continues to contaminate fruits and vegetables even after washing.

- Dihydrogen monoxide is fatal if inhaled. Thousands of people die every year from accidental inhalation of this poisonous substance.

- Dihydrogen monoxide is used as an additive in food and beverages.

- Most homes in the United States are contaminated with dihydrogen monoxide, and children are regularly exposed to high levels of dihydrogen monoxide inside the home. Experts say children should avoid unsupervised contact with the chemical.


- Dihydrogen monoxide is often found inside cancerous tumors.

- Consuming large quantities of dihydrogen monoxide can be fatal.

Everyone must do their part to limit exposure to this dangerous chemical, such as only buying "green" products that do not contain dihydrogen monoxide. Please check product labels carefully and contact consumer organizations in your area for more information.

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June 01, 2010 -- By Alastair Thackery

Recent polls indicate 72 percent of Americans believe in the existence of ghosts and other supernatural entities, while over half of those surveyed claim to have witnessed one or more paranormal events in their lifetime. Nearly 80 percent of Americans believe in an afterlife where the disembodied spirits of the dead remain until they attempt to haunt or antagonize the living for various reasons unknown to modern science.


Below is a list of The Top 10 Most Haunted Places in America, verified by psychic ghost-whisperer and jewelry-maker Dr. Esmeralda Sapphire.

In the summer of 1973, Bertha Hollins and Jeb Spencer were brutally murdered by J.T. "Stubby" Hawkins, an escaped mental patient hiding beneath their double-wide trailer. Their dismembered bodies were later discovered floating in the cesspool nearby. To this day, residents still hear and smell the ghosts of Bertha and Jeb lurking in the area around the "watering hole", a favorite spot for children from the mobile home community to swim on hot summer days.

"You bet we can smell them ghosts stinking up the place. It's awful, like stale cigarettes and body odor. Once, I saw a beer can floating all by itself in the water and I reckon it was them ghosts making it bob up and down. We hear strange sounds every night, like moaning and groaning, and it gotta be them ghosts doing it," said Bert Cull, mobile home resident.

9. SKEETER'S PUSSY PALACE, Hancock, Georgia
One of the oldest adult entertainment venues in the south, Skeeter's is known for its long history of close encounters of the supernatural kind. In 1981, stripper Dawnell Biggins was beaten to death by her boyfriend Jake Grummond, a bouncer at the club, after performing her signature dance routine "double dipped banana splits". Patrons claim the stage where Dawnell was murdered still smells of ripe bananas. In 1992, stripper Cammy Cummings fell to her death while performing an acrobatic routine on the main dance pole of the center stage. Investigators found the dance pole to be unusually slippery on the night of Cammy's death, and many accused rival strippers of foul play for deliberately sabotaging the pole with an illegal "greasy clam" dance technique. Legend has it that the dance poll can never be fully cleaned, and even after repeated scrubbing with harsh chemicals, the slipperiness remains.

8. MEN'S RESTROOM, BUFORD TRAIN STATION, Paddleton, Pennsylvania
At least ten men have lost their lives in the last stall in the men's restroom at Buford Station. The stall was once known as the place for anonymous nocturnal rendezvous in the 1980s, until ex-porn star Tommy "T-Bone" Bonanza turned it into a den of male prostitution and drug addiction. The teeth marks of some victims are still visible, permanently etched into the porcelain toilet tank. Janitor Guillermo Garcia refuses to clean the last stall and cautions visitors to avoid it at all costs.

"So much pain and suffering has occurred on that tragic toilet -- it's a porcelain alter of death. I tell everyone to stay away, not only because it hasn't been cleaned in years, but because you can hear the cries of those young men every time it flushes," Guillermo said through a translator.

Technician Curtis Mulberry died after falling into sewage containment vat number three on the evening of November 30, 1969. Employees at the facility heard a loud splash and immediately sounded the alarm. Rescuers attempted to extract Curtis from the sewage vat for over an hour, but were unable to reach him due to the high-tide sewage levels from the Thanksgiving holiday that year. The following day, Curtis' body was recovered and sent to the medical examiner for autopsy -- the results indicated Curtis died of fright, not from drowning as initially thought. Every Thanksgiving, employees claim a ghostly presence can be seen swimming through the river of sewage.

"Everyone has seen something every now and again that scares the hell out of them. You look down into the slurry and you can't believe what you're looking at ... one time, I saw two tennis balls stuffed inside of a condom," said supervisor Keith Thurston. "Whatever Curtis saw must have been absolutely horrifying."

Every school has its share of ghost stories, but at PRMHS the stories are all too real. The trash dumpster behind the gymnasium is frequently used as a receptacle for unwanted pregnancies, spawning the urban legend of the prom night dumpster babies. Students say the ghostly cries of babies born from sin echo through the halls on every prom night, but the evangelical faculty members claim such pregnancies are impossible at the school which strictly enforces its abstinence only program.

A young man was decapitated in the car wash as he attempted to car surf through the ultra-shine polishing stage. The young man's friends recorded the tragedy on their mobile phones and posted the graphic videos online. Employees claim a headless figure has been seen inside the car wash, while others say they've heard a disembodied voice repeatedly chanting, "Dude, watch this -- it's gonna be the coolest thing ever."

4. SLEEPY PINES MOTEL, Kissawken, South Dakota
On May 17, 1999, a maid discovered the remains of two women in room 24 of the Sleepy Pines Motel. What was initially thought to be a murder-suicide turned out to be a tragic accident as a result of sexual fetish experimentation. The two women, apparently lovers, attempted to engage in a dangerous sadomasochistic activity colloquially known as "pole vaulting" in the fetish community. The two women met on an internet forum for sexual fetishes, after posting profiles requesting contact with other "extreme stuffers and gushers" in their area. The room remains off limits after several guests complained of a strange odor emanating from the carpet, and employees claim the sounds of giggling and shrieking can still be heard coming from the closet.

"I've never seen anything like it," said maid Maria Punos. "It was an unbelievable sight ... I didn't think a body could remain in a handstand after death."

The site of numerous tragedies over the years, Fatty O'Brian's is known for serving a bottomless bucket of pork ribs and challenging customers to set a new world record for consumption. The current record, held by the late competitive eating champion Joey Stone, is still standing since the 1995 "barbecue massacre" in which 13 contestants lost their lives after consuming a combined total of 350 pounds of pork ribs. Six men died from heart attacks, five asphyxiated on their own vomitus, and two were killed by explosive flatulence that ruptured and forcibly ejected their gastrointestinal tracts. The main barbecue pit in the kitchen has been turned into a makeshift shrine adorned with pictures of the dead "barbecue heroes". Some patrons claim the pork ribs have turned sour after the tragic loss of life, while the restaurant management maintains the recipe has not been altered.

This coffee shop was once known for serving up frothy drinks until an espresso machine accident took the lives of three employees. A compressed air canister was incorrectly installed into the machine's heating element after a faulty repair rendered it out of order. A massive explosion swept through the coffee bar, killing the employees and injuring several customers. Organic coffee-lover Rainbow Moonbeam witnessed the explosion.

"I saw a flash and suddenly a huge mushroom cloud erupted from the counter -- the employees were blown away, goth jewelry was flying everywhere. I saw a vegan guy scalded by steamed milk and a girl's dreadlocks catch on fire. I grabbed my hemp shawl and tried to put out the flames. Since then, the whole place has a very negative aura. We brought in a wiccan priestess to cleanse the area with healing crystals," Moonbeam said.

1. BETSY CORBILL'S SPA, Eden Prairie, Illinois
Every night for the past several years, 86 year-old Betsy Corbill has been awakened by disturbing entities congregating in her back yard. The ghostly group frequently hovers around her spa, a site Betsy believes was once an ancient Indian burial ground. The ghosts often disturb the plants in her garden and have actually managed to turn on the spa, sometimes leaving wet footprints and rubbish scattered about her garden.

"I find broken glass bottles and cigarettes in a circle around the spa -- it's obviously used by ghosts as a portal to the netherworld," Betsy said.

When the haunting got out of control, Betsy turned to her local paranormal investigator for assistance.

"I don't know what the ghosts want from me. I had to call in a paranormal investigator. He said there was ectoplasm floating in my spa," Betsy said.


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