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2012 Presidential Contender

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     "I'm conservatively liberal, and liberally conservative, whatever the case may be," said Rott Mimney, former state politician and future Republican presidential candidate. "As they say, I like to swing both ways. I'll do anything to convince the ignorant, poverty-stricken voters of America that I'm the best man, or woman, for the job of White House CEO."

With the field of presidential candidates dwindling, Rott Mimney is likely to seize the GOP nomination despite considerable controversy from all sides of his supposedly conservative base. However, as a former businessman with plenty of experience appeasing shareholders, Mimney is willing to sacrifice virtually everything in order to maintain his newly conservative image for the upcoming election.

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"Don't believe my opponents. I'm a hardcore conservative fothermucker. I don't have a liberal bone in my body. I hate hippies, socialists and the homeless. Poor people can go to hell. Environment? If it gets in the way of business, I say screw it. Nothing is going to stop the flow of commerce, not even mother nature. I'll drill through a pack of reindeer if there's an ounce of oil in the ground beneath them," said Mimney to the Disassociated Press.

Conservatives wary of Mimney's stance on social issues have questioned his religious background, calling for a more concrete affirmation of his devotion to the right-wing obsession with bigotry, misogyny and fear-mongering.

"When I'm elected president, Christianity in America will be safe once again," Mimney said. "The current administration's war against religion will finally come to an end and their masturbatory treachery will be washed away by the baptismal waters of our new American theocracy. Every citizen will be required by law to wear magical Mormon socks ... the same magical socks worn by the Archangel Spumoni."

"Faith is not an option," Mimney explained. "Faith is the foundation of our economy. How else do you explain the 200 years of deception? For centuries now, poor people have believed the delusion that one day they'll be wealthy. Ha ha ha, now that's what I call faith!"

The stagnant economy has also challenged candidates to introduce a reasonable plan for job-creation and financial recovery. While many in the Republican party have praised his business-friendly, take-no-prisoners approach to economic stimulation, some have raised considerable doubts about the integrity of a candidate with enormous personal wealth.

"I believe in America. The Swiss bankers who hold my money believe in America," Mimney said. "This is a strong, prosperous nation with millions of hard-working taxpayers surviving the American Dream. I personally want to thank all the little people for shouldering the tax burden of us One Percenters. Really, you guys are great, thanks a million. And don't forget to vote for me, Rott Mimney, because I'm just a regular guy like you."


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New Banking Fees Explained

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"Sure, we are more than happy to hold on to your money for you," said Larry Dieb, senior financial services analyst at Bank of Americant, "but if you ever want to use it, it's going to cost you ... boy, is it going to cost you!"

As the nation's largest banking institutions begin rolling out new debit card fees, millions of consumers wonder how it is possible for banks to start charging yet another inexplicable "convenience fee" for a service that was once universally free of charge.

"It feels like a visit to the proctologist every time I swipe my debit card," said Thomas Clochard, an unemployed landscape architect. "And without health insurance, my next colonoscopy is going to be prohibitively expensive. I'll bend over once for the doctor, and then again for my bank. Profiting from sickness and poverty is the American Way."

According to banking experts, charging consumers an additional fee is absolutely necessary in order to maintain the record profits of the top five largest banks. Forcing ninety-nine percent of consumers to pay debit fees for spending their own money is the only way to keep the nation's top one percent above the poverty line. In fact, many banking industry CEOs have already considered applying for government assistance to compensate for the inevitable consumer backlash.

"It's been tough, these past few years, just to make ends meet," said Derrick Voleur, CEO of Scamerica Bank and Trust. "I'm not even sure my yacht will have a place to sleep tonight. I personally blame the current socialist regime for the problems in the financial industry. That socialist in the white house is trying to punish the banks, and as every American knows, bankers don't take threats lightly -- the American people will end up suffering dearly."

After billions of dollars from the last government bailout of the banking industry were given away in the form of bonuses to banking executives, many financial analysts believe the industry is still unstable and ready for another collapse. Debit card fees may be the first in a series of charges passed on to consumers, with ATM "cash dispersal" fees set to roll out next year. A new "pay per check" fee of $1 for writing a check is currently in a testing phase in several markets.

"We're in the business of making money from money," explains Sean Tricheur, Vice President of Chaste Bank. "We provide financial services and charge reasonable fees for electronically transferring numbers from one computer to another. I don't know exactly what those fees are -- I haven't used a debit card myself in years -- but I'm sure our customers will understand it's simply the cost of doing business. We're not a charity and never claimed to be. If you expect a free handout, build yourself your own bank and get one from the government."

Some opportunistic local banks have taken advantage of the new debit card fees to lure clientele away from the mega-corporations and into smaller, family-owned establishments. Offering little or no fees for services is an attractive feature some consumers demand when shopping for a new bank.

"We will never charge a fee for debit cards," said Pastor Freddie Snyder, President of First Christian Bank in Armadillo Springs, Arkansas. "Charging a fee for debit cards ain't right. It's just not the Christian thing to do. We offer free banking services to all good Christians and anyone willing to accept Jesus Christ as his lord and financial savior."

Other consumers turned off by the banking industry fiasco have come up with their own plans for beating the debit card fees. Billy Bunter, an unemployed bricklayer in Cleveland, is already making progress toward his goal of avoiding the new banking fees. Despite facing foreclosure from his bank, Billy remains cautiously optimistic.

"I'm sick and tired of dealing with my bullshit bank," Billy said. "So, I dug a giant hole in my backyard, and when I finally find another job and start making money again, I'm going to put all my earnings in that hole and call it 'Billy's Bank'. No fees whatsoever! But, if everything doesn't work out, worst case scenario, I'll just bury myself in that hole and call it a day. The epitaph should read, 'My bank stole my American Dream' ..."


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Marge Whitley for Governor

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On Wednesday, former Internet Entrepreneur Marge Whitley announced her candidacy for Governor of California, entering herself into a controversial gubernatorial race already crowded with countless fraudsters and charlatans seeking their place on the 2011 election ballot.

According to the official press release, Marge Whitley's background as an Internet Entrepreneur is "more than sufficient" experience for politics and makes her fully capable of running the nation's most populous state.

"I have years of experience in the dynamic world of E-Commerce and Internet Entrepreneurialism," Marge Whitley said. "Running a business, especially an internet business, is just like running the state of California. Actually, I would say I'm overqualified to be governor."

As the CEO of JUNK-SWAPPING.COM, Marge Whitley turned one of the most successful internet commerce websites into a financial disaster, costing the business billions of dollars in revenue as her "Slash and Burn" management strategy spun out of control. After laying off thousands of employees and alienating millions of customers, Whitley says her "Scorched Earth" policy is exactly what California needs in this time of economic crisis.

"California is just like an E-Business -- our success is all about traffic. In order to succeed, we need to encourage the 'good' traffic like small businesses and jobs to come back to California, while we keep the 'bad' traffic like resource-depleting illegal immigrants out of California. That is my plan for the future of the state," Whitley said.

Marge Whitley's controversial remarks on a variety of issues have generated additional notoriety as she remains the only candidate to demand "lesbians and liberals" stay away from the voting booths on election day. Being a social pariah is how she gets things done, Whitley said.

"I am unabashedly Pro-Life, Pro-Marriage, Pro-Gun, and most importantly, Pro-Business. Unlike other candidates, I don't believe in courting the fringe-voters and fence-sitters. My base is firmly planted in the ultra-Conservative right-wing politics of the Tea Party. No one can accuse me of flip-flopping ... I've always voted far-right," Whitley said.

However, Marge Whitley's voting record cannot be called into question by other candidates as Whitley has refused to vote in any election for nearly three decades. Women should not exercise their rights, such as their right to vote, if deemed an unnecessary nuisance by their husbands, Whitley said.

"Women need to respect the voting process and let their husbands do all the voting. It's too difficult for women to vote, especially when your only choices are bleeding-heart liberals and homosexuals. That's why I didn't vote during all those years I lived in California," Whitley said.

Although claiming to live in California for decades, information uncovered by various news organizations indicates Marge Whitley lived in other states for the majority of her life and knows very little about the challenges facing the socially and economically diverse state of California.

Other candidates have challenged Whitley's stance on everything from the environment to marriage and immigration, often finding inconsistencies in the vague and distorted message promoted by Whitley's self-funded campaign. After spending untold millions of dollars of her own money on vicious media advertisements known as "attack ads", Whitley's campaign has only succeeded in confusing voters and candidates alike.

"Marge Whitley will say anything to get elected, because it's just a silly contest for her own entertainment," said opponent Bill Jefferson. "She will slither between the issues and continue to use ambiguous language to downplay her ignorance and lack of experience in politics. I think she's a vindictive bottom-feeder desperately seeking a 'promotion' to governor despite being utterly unqualified, only to satiate her egomaniacal obsession with power and control."

Meanwhile, conservative voters are left questioning the truthfulness behind Whitley's attack ads, as her stance on several issues has evolved over the course of the campaign, something conservatives reject in all shapes and forms. Republican voter Clyde Cruthers Jr. says changing her stance is a fatal mistake this far into the campaign.

"I was happy to learn Marge Whitley hated Mexicans," said Clyde. "I was definitely going to vote for her when she said she would build an electric fence with machine-gun turrets along the Mexican border. But now she softened her immigration stance to deportation only -- who knows what other issues she'll flip-flop on just to appeal to centrists. I doubt she still advocates punishing abortioners and homosexuals with castration, like she did earlier in her campaign," Clyde said.

Whitley's remarks on the environment have also been criticized by conservatives and liberals for being too cryptic this late in the election season. Conservatives said her calls to repeal environmental protection laws are simply not enough to stimulate the economy, while liberals said allowing industries to destroy the environment without any government oversight is a reckless tactic with only short-term advantages for company executives hoping to profit from her anti-environment pro-business plan for governing a state in economic crisis.

"If I learned anything from the internet, I know for a fact global warming is a myth," Whitley said. "Therefore, it is our responsibility to exploit California's environment for all its available resources. No forest will be left uncut. No oil will be left undrilled. No sea will be left undumped. We will extract every last ounce of resources mother nature has to offer and I will stop at nothing to create jobs for Californians," Whitley said.

Detractors have questioned the mental stability of a candidate known for violent outbursts and physically assaulting employees, while mental health experts said aggressive, confrontational behavior resulting in battery is a telltale sign of untreated mental illness.

"Sure, I've stepped on a few toes," Whitley said. "If anyone gets in my way, I'll change their minds the old-fashioned way: with my fists. California is suffering an economic crisis because of the effeminate leadership in Sacramento who are unwilling to throw down and go to battle at a moment's notice. I'll fix Sacramento by shoving it in the right direction. I'll put the unemployed back to work by sticking a giant Republican foot up their asses. That's how I bring people together," Whitley said.

Election observers said Marge Whitley's candidacy is not a surprise as California has an embarrassing history of allowing absolutely anyone to run for governor, no matter how bizarre or unqualified they may be. Marge Whitley joins a long list of candidates including porn stars, failed actors and bodybuilders who tried their luck in the gubernatorial gamble.

"Marge Whitley is unbelievably naive and shockingly unqualified," said Dr. Candi Capezolli, Professor of Political Science at Melon University. "She's a ruthless business shark with a sordid history of aggressively attacking anything standing in the way of profit. Her strategies have always backfired and numerous financial scandals plagued her career in business. Marge Whitley will drive California into the ground ... and honestly, at this point, that's not going to be difficult to do," Dr. Capezolli said.


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2010, August 12 -- By Alastair Thackery

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"Socialism" has become the number one fear of most Americans, with "death" slipping to second place, according to the results of a recent survey by FE Research Group.

"This is not a condemnation of socialism, but merely a product of American jingoism infiltrating the minds of the disgruntled masses," said Dr. Kirby Raskolnikov, professor of political science at Smetana University College. "The majority of Americans still confuse xenophobia with patriotism -- they allow the irrational fear of foreign governments to dictate their political views."

In the survey, Americans were asked to list their top ten fears and then indicate whether or not they believed each fear influenced their voting record. Over two-thirds of those surveyed said fear of socialism was a determining factor in voting for local and state politicians sponsored by the Tea Party Movement, while nearly half of respondents said socialism was the political affiliation shared by Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin and Barack Obama. Another twenty percent indicated Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden were also socialists.

"As the economic crisis worsens, many Americans are scared and the right-wing political machine has taken advantage of their fear and named it 'socialism'," said Vlad Lennon, political commentator and author of the bestselling book Poor White Cash: The 21st-Century Credit Crisis. "At this junction, I doubt most disaffected Americans know anything about socialism or government in general. For them, taxes are synonymous with communism. Apparently, they expect governments to function without taxing citizens, yet somehow provide safety, security, finance wars, and maintain everything from public schools to the basic infrastructure of the nation."

Following "death" as the second most common fear, "evolution taught in public schools" was third on the list of top ten fears. In fourth place, "free healthcare" was another new addition to the list, adding to the growing dissatisfaction of many Americans who fear the ramifications of providing medicine to the poor, sick and dying.

"A substantial number of Americans are completely against any attempts to provide free or low-cost healthcare to the poor," said Dr. Deepak Chowdry, who runs a free clinic for the homeless, recently evicted, and soon-to-be foreclosed. "I don't understand why so many Americans want the poor to die from treatable illnesses. Access to healthcare is not socialism: it is a human right."

"Favorite sports team loses championship" and "gasoline prices" held the fifth and sixth places on the list, respectively. In seventh place, "repealing gun rights" maintained its usual place on the list as one of the most common fears of Americans, while the fear of "legalizing abortion" slipped to eighth place.

"Well, with that fuzzy math, it might seem like Americans are more concerned about losing their guns than their unborn babies," said Buck Broman, Tea Party activist from Texas. "But we here in the Tea Party see the issues as one in the same: we need them guns to protect our daughters from those abortioners."

In ninth place, fear of the "de-Christianization" of American society revealed the concerns of many respondents who felt embattled in a nation losing its faith. Forty percent of those surveyed also said removing "god" from the US currency would be considered a hostile act worthy of civil war, while another thirty percent said refusing to recite "one nation under god" is an act of treason that deserves to be punished.

Finally, the tenth most common fear of Americans, "big words", was not a surprise to high-school English teacher Kevin Krikorian. "Literacy in the US is at an all-time low," Krikorian said. "Most of my students do not know the difference between a 'socialite' and a 'socialist'. Some of them actually think Paris Hilton has a political affiliation."

The Top Ten Fears of Americans, 2010:

1. Socialism
2. Death
3. Evolution Taught In Public Schools
4. Free Healthcare
5. Favorite Sports Team Loses Championship
6. Gasoline Prices
7. Loss of "gun rights"
8. Legalization of Abortion
9. de-Christianization of Society
10. Big Words

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12 July, 2010 -- By Alastair Thackery, Entertainment Reporter

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Troubled actor Mel Gibson has suffered another blow to his crumbling reputation as more allegations of abuse surfaced on Monday accusing the "Passion of the Christ" filmmaker of abusing his rose garden.

"I saw him punch a rose bush," said Guillermo Gonzalez, professional landscaping architect. "After that shocking event, I decided to record his activities in the garden to expose the horticultural monster that he is."

Gonzalez says he recorded several incidents of physical abuse and threats as Gibson reacted violently to his rose garden, at one point threatening to bury the roses inside his girlfriend. Gibson prefers voluptuous roses with exceptionally pointed thorns, Gonzalez said.

"He loves the prettiest, sexiest roses in the garden, but their beauty makes him extremely paranoid, aggressive and jealous. He demands complete control over his roses and will smack them around if necessary. Obviously, he suffers from an inferiority complex," Gonzalez said.

In the tapes, Gibson accuses his roses of not being 100 percent organic, saying "your blossoms are too big and fake, you look like a fucking Vegas tulip, I won't stand for it any more!"

As the roses continued to grow in his garden, Gibson is heard in the tapes shouting "you look like a fucking chrysanthemum in bloom" and "if you get pollinated by a pack of Africanized honey bees, it will be your fault". Gibson later issued death threats to his rose garden, ominously stating "... I'm capable of it!".

Horticulturalists say Gibson's behavior is unacceptable and abusing roses should not be tolerated in modern society. A celebrity of Gibson's status sets a bad example for other old-fashioned gardeners who still rule their plants with a heavy hand, they said.

"Mel Gibson's ultra-conservative gardening beliefs are not a justification for horticultural violence," said Dr. Humberto Humphreys, botanist and rose garden activist. "In the past, men were allowed to abuse their gardens while society looked the other way. But nowadays, most people are shocked by this sort of anti-flower behavior. Mel is crazy if he thinks he can get away with it."

Guillermo Gonzalez hopes this embarrassing exposure will force Mel Gibson to seek professional psychiatric treatment before it's too late.

"Mel Gibson is dangerous to living organisms. He will threaten to kill anything that disobeys him. He desperately needs mental help, before someone gets hurt or even worse ... he makes another religious movie," Gonzalez said.

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09 July, 2010 -- By Alastair Thackery, Entertainment Reporter

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"Mel Gibson is an American Hero," said Adolf Schreckmunster, Organizing Director for Tea Party America's western affiliates. "We offer our unconditional support to Mel and hope he continues to exercise his freedom of speech to promote the ideology of the Tea Party."

While some call Mel Gibson's latest racist outburst an act of career-suicide, Tea Party advocates are welcoming his decision to retire from acting to pursue conservative, right-wing politics. Mr. Gibson's personal beliefs about race, women and religion highlight conservative Americans' dissatisfaction with the current "politically correct" atmosphere contaminating society.

"Americans should listen to Mel, because he's right about a lot of things," said Wilhelm von Rauben, Chancellor of Tea Party Nevada. "We hope to overhaul American culture and restore the good Christian values of the Bush administration, and we're glad to have Mel Gibson on our side."

Tea Party supporters have sympathized with Mr. Gibson since his 2006 drunk-driving arrest when he unleashed an anti-Semitic tirade against a Jewish police officer. Anti-Semitism and Holocaust Denial are issues frequently featured at rallies as most Tea Party supporters feel threatened by a worldwide Jewish conspiracy to control governments, banks and the news media. Like Mr. Gibson, the majority of Tea Party activists believe Judaism is responsible for causing most of the world's wars.

Another surprising show of support came from conservative women's groups who said accusations of sexism and misogyny against Mr. Gibson were false, and most American women deserved a "wake up call" to restore their modesty and respectability. Being called a "whore" is merely constructive criticism and physical abuse (including punches to the face) should be tolerated, they said.

"In the new conservative America of the future, all women will be property of men," says Helga Hure, secretary of the Tea Party Ladies Foundation. "And Mr. Gibson is right: women who dress provocatively are more likely to be raped by a group of African-American men. It should be considered punishment from god for wearing revealing clothing."

Tea Party activists also defended Mr. Gibson's use of derogatory comments and racial epithets, saying such words are only selectively ridiculed by the "liberal" media. Popular culture has desensitized working-class Americans to racism as ethnic slurs are used frequently by other celebrities in the Rap and Hip-Hop music industries. To prevent Caucasian celebrities from using the "N" word is reverse racism, they said.

"Mel Gibson has a right to speak his mind," said Jurgen Schlaufen, at a Tea Party rally in Arizona. "It turns out Mel's real Lethal Weapon is his mouth, and he's killing them with the truth. I don't care what other people think -- I love Mel Gibson and everything he has to say is OK with me. He's just expressing our common fear, because everyone knows rapes by blacks have increased since the last presidential election."

However, entertainment industry insiders say Mel Gibson has a long history of erratic behavior stemming from an undiagnosed mental illness which may be responsible for his unpredictable mood swings and verbal outbursts. Treatment for his illness should be his first priority, not joining a right-wing political movement, they said.

"I hope Mel gets professional help for his mental problems -- he needs to be institutionalized," said actress Carrie Friedenberger. "But then again, when I heard he was joining the Tea Party, I thought, 'Well, why not? He's racist. He's sexist. He's a bigot with some crazy, right-wing beliefs'. In a way, I guess Mel Gibson is perfect for the Tea Party."

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30 June, 2010 -- By Alastair Thackery

"Let us gather together and pray to our almighty lord," said Pastor Kevin Huile, religious advisor to the Gulf Coast Governors Association. "Only god himself can fix this disaster of biblical proportions. The oil spill is, after all, punishment for deviating from god's path."

The governors of gulf coast states declared Sunday to be a day of prayer, as efforts to stop the oil seeping into the Gulf of Mexico have failed and the nation faces the worst environmental disaster in its history. Millions of barrels of crude oil continue to wash ashore along the gulf coast, overwhelming clean-up crews and contractors attempting to prevent further damage to the ecosystem.

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"Obviously, an act of god can only be remedied with another act of god," said Brit Petrol representative Nigel Smythe-Paddington. "In all honesty, the people of the gulf should have started praying sooner. Why they waited so long to get in contact with their deity is a mystery to us all. I blame them for allowing this disaster to get out of hand by not demanding divine intervention from day one."

Religious groups say the separation of church and state should be suspended until the oil spill is contained, to allow local and state officials to hold weekly prayer vigils in public facilities funded by tax-payers. School boards have requested a similar measure to bring back forced prayer and bible study in public schools for the duration of the environmental crisis.

"The ACLU is not welcome in the south," said Mayor Dwight W. Flaquette, who intends to run for governor next year. "The last thing we need is the liberal agenda getting in the way of our prayers to god. Ever school kid knows our eternal salvation is in the hands of Jesus, and anyone who refuses to pray will be punished. The oil ain't gonna stop coming until we all put our faith in god."

Churches across the south have seen a dramatic increase in attendance as more industries are disrupted by the oil spill, putting thousands out of work with no place to turn for answers. Reverend Billy Lugner of Christ Baptist Ministry says his congregation is overwhelmed with questions about the future of the gulf.

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"They're desperate and they want answers from above -- some of the flock are calling this armageddon. But I tell them that only their prayers can save the environment from destruction. With enough prayers, I firmly believe Jesus will eventually redirect the oil slick away from America and into the path of those godless heathens in Cuba," Reverend Lugner said.

Other religious groups say the oil spill is merely the first event in a long series of disasters to strike the United States as retribution for numerous misdeeds committed against Christianity. Buddy Beleg, founder of Christs-Oil-Crusade.org, says the nation will continue to suffer for its immoral choices.

"The lesbians, the Jews, the atheists, the liberals -- they're all responsible for this disaster, and everyone else must suffer for allowing them to exist in this nation. God spilled that oil to teach us all a lesson, and if we don't learn from our mistakes, he'll send something worse our way. The 'environmental disaster' is nothing compared to the disaster facing god-fearing Christians every day living in a nation that tolerates sin," Buddy said.

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Local residents of the gulf coast are divided over the best method for cleaning up the oil spill. Some say the current devices used for collection and removal of oil are outdated technology and should be discarded altogether for a more effective alternative.

"I don't care how many Hollywood movie stars they send down here," said Irma Conkle, resident of the Pleasant Palms mobile home community on the gulf coast. "The oil ain't gonna disappear just because Kevin Costner brought in his silly spinning machines. We need a real celebrity to fix this situation, and there ain't no one more famous than Jesus Christ himself. He is the only one who can save us from the oil."

Other residents say prayer is likely to be ineffective if used without conventional "scientific" methods for handling oil spills of this magnitude. Truck driver Wilbur Watts says he prefers a "double-barrel" approach to dealing with the disaster.

"I love Jesus and all, but I can't say prayer alone will be enough to fix this horrible mess. We caused it, and it's up to us to clean it up. Those who say we ought to pray and just hope for the best are clearly delusional," Wilbur said.

Environmental scientists believe prayer will not stop further destruction of the Gulf of Mexico and without human intervention the entire ecosystem may be contaminated with oil for several decades in the future.

"You can't clean up oil with prayers," said Dr. Michael Matterson, professor of Environmental Science at Trotterman University. "A million prayers won't fix this. Even a billion won't. Environmental disasters are real and begging an imaginary person in the sky for help is not the answer. Human beings are the only hope for preventing the collapse of this entire ecosystem."

Non-believers are not alone in their condemnation of prayer as a response to the disaster in the gulf, and many Americans question the leadership of state governors who resort to primitive, superstitious rituals when faced with the destruction of the environment.

"What century is this?" asks Chaz Hirschberger, website developer from Louisiana. "I thought people stopped all this stupid shit back in the Bronze Age? Praying to god to help with a disaster is a smack in the face to all the hardworking people actually trying to do something about it. People that choose to pray at times like these ought to be ashamed of themselves. What's next -- are they going to dance around praying for rain from the rain gods?"

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25th of June, 2010 -- By Alastair Thackery

"We were having a lot of financial trouble and realized two incomes were simply not enough to make ends meet," explained Frank and Patty Lapin, a married couple from Stubenville, Washington. "After a long discussion, we decided adding a third person to our marriage was the only reasonable way to maintain our standard of living and keep the house out of foreclosure. It makes sense financially ... and my wife has always fantasized about double penetration."

As couples struggle to survive in the faltering economy, the traditional single income family has become a thing of the past. Families with two working adults have also experienced the financial strain of the global economic crisis, with many couples embracing an alternative lifestyle to stay above the poverty line.

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"We started by renting out one of our rooms," said Frank Lapin. "That's when we met Sergio. We invited him into our home, and eventually into our bed -- my wife loves a good sandwiching and couldn't be happier. And now we've finally caught up on our mortgage payments."

Financial advisors recommend an additional source of income as the best way to handle the high cost of living expenses and stay up to date on paying off major debt like mortgages and credit cards. With three working adults each contributing a portion of their income, families are able to pay off debt sooner as their debt-to-income ratio no longer favors creditors and lenders charging interest.

"It's a smart way to keep your head above water," said Lisa Pinkerton, certified financial planner and polyamory advocate. "If married couples bring in a third member to their family, especially one with little or no recurring debt, they will see an immediate improvement in their finances. And who doesn't want more money and kinky sex?"

Family counselors say sharing responsibilities of parenting helps relieve the stress of raising children in tough economic times. Having three parents per household benefits children who would otherwise feel neglected by two parents working full-time jobs.

"With three adults to share the responsibility of caring for the kids, running a household is much easier and the overall well-being of the family is dramatically improved," said family counselor Dr. Pradash Singh, father of three and husband of two. "It's good for the children, and even better for the parents. Threesomes allow people to fulfill their sexual fantasies, which improves their mental condition and relieves stress, making families happier and healthier."

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Polyamorous relationships were once a taboo subject amongst conservative religious groups, but the current economic crisis has opened the door to new and exciting possibilities for many Christian families.

"I've always fantasized about watching my wife get raped by a black man," said Pastor John Joseph Thomas of New Bethlehem Baptist Church in Eagleton, Colorado. "Since the economy collapsed and threesomes are now socially acceptable, I've been able to experience my kinkiest sexual fantasies every night with my wife and Tyrone. We role-play and get into all sorts of pleasurable predicaments. I think Jesus would understand our three-way love."

Marriage experts say more than half of all monogamous relationships end in divorce primarily due to conflicts over money and sex, both of which are no longer issues in threesomes and polyamorous relationships. Recent studies indicate sexual frustration as one of the leading causes of poverty in the developed world.

However, anti-threesome groups say traditional marriage is threatened by the desperate, deviant behavior of couples looking for kinky sex and an easy way out of financial trouble. Numerous websites like Say-No-To-Menage-A-Trois.org, have sprung up on the internet, indicating a backlash against unconventional marriage practitioners.

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"It's just plain wrong," said Judith Bummery, who operates BankruptcyLovers.com. "These sexual predators are being greedy, stealing all the eligible young men and women with good credit, and turning them into sex toys to play with and profit from. But what about the millions of Americans with bad credit? How are they supposed to survive alone?"

A negative opinion of alternative lifestyles is outdated thinking, said Patty Lapin. Couples in difficult relationships are quick to judge others who experience success with threesomes, she said.

"They shouldn't knock it until they try it. In fact, I think all couples should become threesomes. How many women can say they are completely satisfied, both financially and sexually? I can go shopping every day and get spit-roasted every night," Patty said.

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June 18, 2010 -- By Alastair Thackery, sports writer

"We really hate the blacks, and normally I would just be thinking about blasting them fools, but tonight I feel like partying with them," said Jose Garcia, a member of a Latino street gang celebrating the victory of the Los Angeles Lakers basketball team. "We put aside our differences for one night and work together to wreak havoc on the city streets. The Lakers won, and there's no better way to express our appreciation than destroying public property, damaging storefronts, setting fires and attacking innocent bystanders."

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"Any time the black and brown communities start working together, it's a step forward for race relations," said Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. "Instead of attacking each other, the African and Latino communities banded together to attack the LAPD. They finally realized what they have in common -- they both love the Lakers and hate the police."

After the Lakers' victory Thursday night, thousands of basketball fans flooded the streets near the Staples Center, overwhelming police attempting to disperse the unruly crowd. Groups of intoxicated men attempted to overturn cars and hurled bottles at police, quickly escalating the situation into a riot as other fans attempted to escape.

"I was trying to get my wife and kids out of there," said Harold Miller, a father of two passing by the Staples Center when riots broke out. "We were swept up into the crowd and a man wearing a Lakers uniform grabbed my daughter. Another man started fondling my wife while my son was nearly trampled to death. A Latino man vomited on my back as we hid between two parked cars. We are lucky to be alive."

Several vehicles and trash dumpsters burned for hours on Figueroa Street, as fire fighters were prevented from entering the area by the crowds of revelers. Police in riot gear eventually cleared a path for fire trucks to pass through and attend to the fires, although two fire fighters were injured by rioters in the process.

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"We just want to do our job," said fire fighter Tom Wilson. "But it doesn't make sense. They go around setting fires because their team won? They attack fire fighters to celebrate their team's victory? What's going to happen when the Lakers finally lose? There won't be enough police or fire fighters to handle that situation."

Community leaders said basketball fans were merely expressing themselves as they usually do, with violence, but the individual fans are not the ones to blame. Other social issues, like poverty, crime and drug addiction are the reason basketball fans turn toward violence, they said.

"The rioters on the streets attacking the police are primarily poor and disadvantaged youth from inner-city ghettos. These young people know nothing other than violence. They can't express themselves in a normal way -- even a moment of celebration is seen as just another opportunity to destroy something. Setting a car on fire is how they express themselves," said Dr. Delilah Dennis, sociologist from the Institution for Ethnic Harmony.

Some basketball fans look forward to the Lakers' yearly victory celebration and the sense of camaraderie with fellow criminals, regardless of race, while taking part in riots during the aftermath of the game.

"Yeah, we make sure we have a good time for ourselves," said Leroy DeShawn Jackson III, a Lakers' fan and member of the SBP street gang. "Last time we caught this skinny little white girl in the alley after the Lakers game. She tried to run away, but the five of us held her down and took turns pounding the shit out of her. We even let a few Mexican dudes jump in. She was all screaming and crying, but you know we had a good time. Them Mexicans had a good time too. Go Lakers!"

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"It feels great to be working together, instead of being against them," said Latino gang leader Hector Hernandez. "In the past, we would try to outdo each other -- a black guy sets a car on fire, so then we set a store on fire. A group of black guys overturn a car, so we try to overturn a bus. But now we help each other out and can do twice as much damage."

Other basketball fans see the rioting and violence as self-defeating, while some have called for more common sense to be used by revelers after the game.

"How stupid is it to start a riot and burn things down -- why would they want to destroy a city bus? Do they not realize some of those people are going to need to ride that same bus tomorrow? The rioters themselves are mostly poor people without cars ... and now they have one less bus to ride," said Martha Simpson, mother of a young basketball fan beaten in the melee.

"These fans don't deserve a victory celebration. They are simply using basketball as an excuse for violence and I don't know why society tolerates it. But then again, liberal white people sit back and laugh nervously while the black and brown people destroy everything, all under the guise of "sports" and "victory celebration", as if it's to be expected from "those people". It's racist to condescend like that, pretending that violence is inevitable when drunk, ethnic sports fans are let loose on the streets. But if that's what people expect from them, then they are sure to deliver," Martha said.

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June 01, 2010 -- By Alastair Thackery

Recent polls indicate 72 percent of Americans believe in the existence of ghosts and other supernatural entities, while over half of those surveyed claim to have witnessed one or more paranormal events in their lifetime. Nearly 80 percent of Americans believe in an afterlife where the disembodied spirits of the dead remain until they attempt to haunt or antagonize the living for various reasons unknown to modern science.

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Below is a list of The Top 10 Most Haunted Places in America, verified by psychic ghost-whisperer and jewelry-maker Dr. Esmeralda Sapphire.

10. SHADY OAKS MOBILE HOME COMMUNITY, Dullop County, Arkansas
In the summer of 1973, Bertha Hollins and Jeb Spencer were brutally murdered by J.T. "Stubby" Hawkins, an escaped mental patient hiding beneath their double-wide trailer. Their dismembered bodies were later discovered floating in the cesspool nearby. To this day, residents still hear and smell the ghosts of Bertha and Jeb lurking in the area around the "watering hole", a favorite spot for children from the mobile home community to swim on hot summer days.

"You bet we can smell them ghosts stinking up the place. It's awful, like stale cigarettes and body odor. Once, I saw a beer can floating all by itself in the water and I reckon it was them ghosts making it bob up and down. We hear strange sounds every night, like moaning and groaning, and it gotta be them ghosts doing it," said Bert Cull, mobile home resident.

9. SKEETER'S PUSSY PALACE, Hancock, Georgia
One of the oldest adult entertainment venues in the south, Skeeter's is known for its long history of close encounters of the supernatural kind. In 1981, stripper Dawnell Biggins was beaten to death by her boyfriend Jake Grummond, a bouncer at the club, after performing her signature dance routine "double dipped banana splits". Patrons claim the stage where Dawnell was murdered still smells of ripe bananas. In 1992, stripper Cammy Cummings fell to her death while performing an acrobatic routine on the main dance pole of the center stage. Investigators found the dance pole to be unusually slippery on the night of Cammy's death, and many accused rival strippers of foul play for deliberately sabotaging the pole with an illegal "greasy clam" dance technique. Legend has it that the dance poll can never be fully cleaned, and even after repeated scrubbing with harsh chemicals, the slipperiness remains.

8. MEN'S RESTROOM, BUFORD TRAIN STATION, Paddleton, Pennsylvania
At least ten men have lost their lives in the last stall in the men's restroom at Buford Station. The stall was once known as the place for anonymous nocturnal rendezvous in the 1980s, until ex-porn star Tommy "T-Bone" Bonanza turned it into a den of male prostitution and drug addiction. The teeth marks of some victims are still visible, permanently etched into the porcelain toilet tank. Janitor Guillermo Garcia refuses to clean the last stall and cautions visitors to avoid it at all costs.

"So much pain and suffering has occurred on that tragic toilet -- it's a porcelain alter of death. I tell everyone to stay away, not only because it hasn't been cleaned in years, but because you can hear the cries of those young men every time it flushes," Guillermo said through a translator.

7. RICKETSVILLE SEWAGE TREATMENT FACILITY, Mollworth County, Ohio
Technician Curtis Mulberry died after falling into sewage containment vat number three on the evening of November 30, 1969. Employees at the facility heard a loud splash and immediately sounded the alarm. Rescuers attempted to extract Curtis from the sewage vat for over an hour, but were unable to reach him due to the high-tide sewage levels from the Thanksgiving holiday that year. The following day, Curtis' body was recovered and sent to the medical examiner for autopsy -- the results indicated Curtis died of fright, not from drowning as initially thought. Every Thanksgiving, employees claim a ghostly presence can be seen swimming through the river of sewage.

"Everyone has seen something every now and again that scares the hell out of them. You look down into the slurry and you can't believe what you're looking at ... one time, I saw two tennis balls stuffed inside of a condom," said supervisor Keith Thurston. "Whatever Curtis saw must have been absolutely horrifying."

6. THE DUMPSTER, PAT ROBERTSON MEMORIAL HIGHSCHOOL, Cleath, South Carolina
Every school has its share of ghost stories, but at PRMHS the stories are all too real. The trash dumpster behind the gymnasium is frequently used as a receptacle for unwanted pregnancies, spawning the urban legend of the prom night dumpster babies. Students say the ghostly cries of babies born from sin echo through the halls on every prom night, but the evangelical faculty members claim such pregnancies are impossible at the school which strictly enforces its abstinence only program.

5. SLICK WILLY'S SQUEAKY KLEAN KAR WASH, Newton, Idaho
A young man was decapitated in the car wash as he attempted to car surf through the ultra-shine polishing stage. The young man's friends recorded the tragedy on their mobile phones and posted the graphic videos online. Employees claim a headless figure has been seen inside the car wash, while others say they've heard a disembodied voice repeatedly chanting, "Dude, watch this -- it's gonna be the coolest thing ever."

4. SLEEPY PINES MOTEL, Kissawken, South Dakota
On May 17, 1999, a maid discovered the remains of two women in room 24 of the Sleepy Pines Motel. What was initially thought to be a murder-suicide turned out to be a tragic accident as a result of sexual fetish experimentation. The two women, apparently lovers, attempted to engage in a dangerous sadomasochistic activity colloquially known as "pole vaulting" in the fetish community. The two women met on an internet forum for sexual fetishes, after posting profiles requesting contact with other "extreme stuffers and gushers" in their area. The room remains off limits after several guests complained of a strange odor emanating from the carpet, and employees claim the sounds of giggling and shrieking can still be heard coming from the closet.

"I've never seen anything like it," said maid Maria Punos. "It was an unbelievable sight ... I didn't think a body could remain in a handstand after death."

3. FATTY O'BRIAN'S ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BBQ RIB SHACK, Ollie, Mississippi
The site of numerous tragedies over the years, Fatty O'Brian's is known for serving a bottomless bucket of pork ribs and challenging customers to set a new world record for consumption. The current record, held by the late competitive eating champion Joey Stone, is still standing since the 1995 "barbecue massacre" in which 13 contestants lost their lives after consuming a combined total of 350 pounds of pork ribs. Six men died from heart attacks, five asphyxiated on their own vomitus, and two were killed by explosive flatulence that ruptured and forcibly ejected their gastrointestinal tracts. The main barbecue pit in the kitchen has been turned into a makeshift shrine adorned with pictures of the dead "barbecue heroes". Some patrons claim the pork ribs have turned sour after the tragic loss of life, while the restaurant management maintains the recipe has not been altered.

2. BARSTUCKS ORGANIC COFFEE SHOP, Dorleen, Wisconsin
This coffee shop was once known for serving up frothy drinks until an espresso machine accident took the lives of three employees. A compressed air canister was incorrectly installed into the machine's heating element after a faulty repair rendered it out of order. A massive explosion swept through the coffee bar, killing the employees and injuring several customers. Organic coffee-lover Rainbow Moonbeam witnessed the explosion.

"I saw a flash and suddenly a huge mushroom cloud erupted from the counter -- the employees were blown away, goth jewelry was flying everywhere. I saw a vegan guy scalded by steamed milk and a girl's dreadlocks catch on fire. I grabbed my hemp shawl and tried to put out the flames. Since then, the whole place has a very negative aura. We brought in a wiccan priestess to cleanse the area with healing crystals," Moonbeam said.

1. BETSY CORBILL'S SPA, Eden Prairie, Illinois
Every night for the past several years, 86 year-old Betsy Corbill has been awakened by disturbing entities congregating in her back yard. The ghostly group frequently hovers around her spa, a site Betsy believes was once an ancient Indian burial ground. The ghosts often disturb the plants in her garden and have actually managed to turn on the spa, sometimes leaving wet footprints and rubbish scattered about her garden.

"I find broken glass bottles and cigarettes in a circle around the spa -- it's obviously used by ghosts as a portal to the netherworld," Betsy said.

When the haunting got out of control, Betsy turned to her local paranormal investigator for assistance.

"I don't know what the ghosts want from me. I had to call in a paranormal investigator. He said there was ectoplasm floating in my spa," Betsy said.

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